This past weekend I had the excellent opportunity to peer into straight culture and attend my first wedding ceremony. I have a few initial responses, which I hope you will note have been written in a curious English accent:

1. Apparently there is a certain ritual that straight people have for the reception dinner following the Church ceremony. It involves one person - any person at the reception, really - tapping their glass with a silver spoon. Once one person has instigated the process, every other person in attendence must follow suit. It starts as a murmur and then the entire room is filled with ear-splitting clangs until the newly married couple kisses. At any moment, any given person in the room can feel so moved to begin the clanging and the newlyweds have no alternative but to kiss. I thought this was simply marvelous. I felt empowered, but declined the urge to begin the clanging of my glass.

2. This particular ceremony took place in a Catholic Church, though as the Groom's side of the family is decidedly Protestant, there was no Mass. Catholic Churches are very severe. Upon entry I was startled, as one can really only be, to see an oversized depiction of their Lord Jesus Christ hanging, bleeding whilst watching the churchgoers. This was very distracting. What was more distracting was the hue of his skin (pale white) and lack of body hair. Jesus was a rather odd looking fellow it seems for his ethnic origin.

3. My sister and I hunted quite thoroughly through the Church for a piece of a Saint. This seems to be quite important to the holiness of the site - but we stopped when we were caught snooping by an unimpressed alter boy.

4. In what could only be compared to the entrance of a semi-professional Football league, the Wedding Party (parents, bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc) were introduced over the loudspeaker upon entering the Reception. The DJ (whose voice was similar to that of the Wrestling announcer who is famous for "Lets Get Ready to Ruuuuumble") would call out each individuals name with the early 90s tune "Pump up the Jam" playing the background, and they would run in from the door to the dance floor. Upon their entrance, the crowd would burst into applause - with an occasional hoot or holler as needed. I thought this spectacular - if only there had been spotlights and lasers (and maybe even a fog machine).

5. Wedding receptions, I learned, are apparently limited in their selection of music. I overheard a crowd of what seemed like very wedding-savy straight people referring to a mysterious oversight committee based out of Utah that selects the songs allowed for playing at wedding receptions. They include such classics as "Staying Alive" by the BeeGees, "The Electric Slide," and - of course - the requisite "You Are So Beautiful (To Me)" by Joe Cocker. Everyone was quite surprised when the DJ made an apparent deviation from the permitted selections in his chusing of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light." They were so surprised, in fact, by his selection that they formed two opposing lines of men and women. The men dramatically interpreted the lyrics of the song sung by the male vocalist and the women would likewise follow suit with exceptional exuberance for the lyrics of the song sung by the female vocalist. A rare treat indeed. No word yet on whether the Committee for Wedding Reception Musical Entertainment will press charges.

6. After observing throughout the weekend these various rituals and ceremonies, I have decided that - though exceptionally fascinating - I have very little interest in partaking myself in the institution of marriage, at least the institution that straight people have so diligently constructed over the years. Though I must say - the free wine and food was quite nice.