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July 14, 2005

Rehnquist Hospitalized, Bush to Take Over World
FILED UNDER: "National Politics"
TAGS: Bill FristGeorge W BushSupreme Court
By Trevor

With the recent hospitalization of Chief Justice William Rehnquist signaling that President Bush may have a second Supreme Court nomination around the corner, some political commentators believe President Bush has finally positioned himself to actually take over the world.

Press Secretary Scott McLellan immediately denied the accusations, calling them "ridiculous" and "unwarranted." He went on to say that, "The President has no interest in at least two of the world's continents."

Vice President Dick Cheney was in South America this week to negotiate a deal to strip mine the rest of the world's rainforests. When asked about the recent accusations and the timing of his visit, Cheney had this to say:

These accusations are completely Anti-American. All you have to do is look at Iraq to understand the values of this Administration. American Troops have liberated that country and it's oil - er, I mean, it's Petrol - that is to say, they've been liberated. Thousands of them. Now get the fuck out of my way.

At a Press Conference Wednesday, President Bush refused to comment because of what he called an ongoing investigation. "I believe this country is full of people. And those people have a right to know what we're doing here in Washington. Rest assured, we are making the right decisions because we have values. Good, American values. I can't comment further because there's an investigation ongoing."

When pressed by reporters to explain what he meant that an investigation was ongoing concerning his plans for world domination, the President's eyes wandered and began to glaze. After the question was repeated, he responded firmly with a small chuckle. "With all these questions you're asking me I would have thought this was an investigation."

Senior Democrats Thursday had strong words for the President's alleged ambitions. In a letter sent to Congress members, leaders called his quest for world domination "neo-fascism."

Leading Republicans wasted no time in issuing a response. In an attempt to show off his newfound love of alliteration, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist fired back by calling the Democrats' accusations "basically baseless." "All Americans are owed an apology from every Democrat after this aforementioned affront."

Senator Frist is reportedly drafting legislation that would require every registered Democrat to publicly apologize for what he calls "treacherous treason."

Rumors of "Bill's Bill," as one Senior GOP Congressman referred to it, has led at least some Democrats to take to the offensive. In what some experts are calling a stunning show of literary expertise, a number of Congressional Democrats responded at an early morning press conference Thursday with several hours of onomatopoeia.

It's not yet known whether or not "Bill's Bill" will ever actually make it to the floor.


© 2005 TrevorHoppe.com. None of this is true. Rather, none of this is "true."

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